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That's me.

 This is my journal! This is supposed to be the place where I can be me and nothing else, where I can think aloud, I can scream who I am : no fear to disappont anyone.
This would be the place where I can give voice to what I feel in the depths of my soul , what I feel in my heart.
So I've taken a decision! I'll stop struggling and trying to emphasize something of my personal character to excite general admiration.
The truth is that there's nothing to admire in myself. 
I'm a lazy person. I'm a sensitive person, I'm so sensitive that , sometimes, I feel to be without skin!
I'm as timid as a rabbit and I'm sweet , but nobody can see  when I'm  blushing  or  when I'm  feeling  uncomfortable because I've learnt to hide myself behind a mask . This mask  is my most  precious treasure.
I've learnt to lie! I'm a damn fucking good liar!  I've learnt to lie since I was a child : to protect myself from my father's rage.
I've got many regrets but I feel no remorse. Maybe I've forgotten them : they hurt too much!
I would have liked to have a baby! So much! I miss a man. I'd like to meet someone, someone could love me , just me.
I'm scared of many, many things. Fear of the dark, fear of the physical pain, fear to make a fool of myself, fear of the death!
I've got so, so, so much love in my heart!  Sometimes this love that I feel is overwhelming! I would give it to the whole world!
I'm a day dreamer. My waking  dreams  are only mine. Nobody can know them, nobody can find out them , nobody can steal them!
In my dreams I'm not a coward, I'm not vulnerable. My dreams are my fantastic world, they're my revenge against my real life.
In my waking dreams I can dance, I can sing, I can love and be loved. In my dreams I can imagine two men kissing each other , making love to each other and I can feel joy and pleasure without shame.

And that is that. More o less.

P.S.: forgive my bad language. Excuse for troubling you.   


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 9th, 2007 10:01 am (UTC)
No trouble !!*Hugs*
Oct. 9th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Mooms. Thank you for reading.

Big hugs.Anto.
Oct. 13th, 2007 01:39 pm (UTC)
This is one of those times where I'm completely torn what to say. We barely know each other, really only met, but so much of what you've written here I also feel but have never been brave enough to write it or say it for others to hear. I have the same fears and many of the same wishes and regrets in my life (other than wanting a child *g*). I guess I want to say that you are definitely not alone. I cry every day for the things I've come to realize I'll never have in my life and I know the mask well. The people I work with have no idea what goes on in my head, and I think it's incredible that you feel comfortable opening up and showing those of us here your deepest feelings and dreams. If we can help each other through difficult times by getting to know more about each other and being kind to each other here then that is to be cherished.

The truth is that there's nothing to admire in myself.
I know I'm a stranger but I can tell from the comments you've given me and others that that's not true. You are a kind and generous person and I'm sure as I learn more about you I'll see even more wonderful things inside.

The only thing that worries me a little, and it might be a language issue more than anything else, is this:

So I've taken a decision! I'll stop struggling and trying to emphasize something of my personal character to excite general admiration.
Do you mean you're going to stop sharing or that you're going to stop censoring what you share? If it's the former I hope you reconsider. But if it's the latter, then I applaud you. This journal should be the place where you are able to put all your deepest, heart-felt feelings without any fear of recrimination. I hope you continue to do so.

Wow I went from not knowing what to say to talking your ear off. :-)
Oct. 13th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC)
It's true : we "really only met", but I don't agree with you : we deeply know each other! I realized that since your first answer to my comment on your fic. You're a very nice and sensitive person! I can "feel" your heart, I can "feel" your soul, every word of your stories talks about you and your feelings!
I'm so touched and grateful for your comment!! I don't think I can explain how precious it is to me!!

P.S.: I've decided to pull off my mask : I'll be me and nothing else.

Loving and big *hugs*.Anto.
Oct. 26th, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC)
I feel like wrapping you in silk and taking you to a palace and letting you like there like a fairytale Princess.
You really awake all my mothering instincts.

First of all...have more faith in yourself. I am sure you have lots of good qualities. Secondly...do not be so afraid. You will make it.

And finally...I am honoured to be your (new) friend and everyone you care for would be honoured to be counted a friend. So just be yourself and have fun playing in the sandbox of slash here with the rest of us. I know I am not a big fanfic guru in LOTR RFS fandom but I never wished to be. I am just here to write and hopefully someone will like what I write for it is a bit lonely to write to nothingness.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. So....many, many hugs to you! :)
Oct. 26th, 2007 10:04 pm (UTC)
*tears* *many quiet sweet tears of joy*
Thank you, my dear FRIEND!! You're a special person!!

A big loving hug!! Anto.
Oct. 28th, 2007 07:29 am (UTC)
*tears* *many quiet sweet tears of joy*

'soft smile and offers a tissue and a big hug'

Thank you, my dear FRIEND!! You're a special person!!

'tight embrace' If so then it's only because you deserve the best. Thank you for letting me be your friend.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )



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