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May. 10th, 2008

I’ve begun this letter so many times….but it’s so hard talking to someone never seen, it’s odd to try and imagine their face, their voice, their smile.
How can I explain myself to you, baby? What can I tell you about me, about a frightened child who suddenly felt a new presence inside of her !?! I was just a child. When I “felt” you , when I realized you would have got into my life I was so scared and confused! I was alone ! I felt alone. Utterly. So I said it to the only person who hadn’t to know it, I said it to him.
And he killed you. I wasn’t able to do nothing. I stayed there, lying on that cold stained table …that woman’s hands on my body…inside of me…her rugged hands…her metallic voice in my ears even now…harsh words …” open wide your legs…breath deeply…stay still …you don’want to feel pain, do you?”
Feeling pain?! I wasn’t feeling nothing. I was completely numb. All what I wanted was running away from there, going as far away as possible and hiding myself in a empty silent darkness.
Then , all of a sudden, I heard you. I know it’s absolutely weird, I know I sound like I'm a raving mad, but I heard you, I heard you crying and what was left of my heart burst out in one thousand pieces.
I’m so so sorry, little love…I allowed them to kill you and I did nothing to stop them!
Maybe it was better that way…you would have been unhappy with me, I wouldn’t have been able to protect you and defend you from a hopeless life… that’s I keep saying again to me every day…every night.
You would have loved me though…I know that …..and I’d have cradled you in my arms and cherished your little heart inside of mine.
Son? Brother? What would have you been to me?
I’m so sorry, little love…I couldn’t save your life nor mine…I let you go….


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 9th, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
*gentle hug*
May. 10th, 2008 04:12 am (UTC)
I don't know what to say Anto, but I am thinking about you, and hug you tight.
May. 10th, 2008 01:19 pm (UTC)
This is so sad, Hun. *Hugs*
May. 10th, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry - such a traumatic, life changing event in one so young. My thoughts are with you *hugs*
May. 11th, 2008 03:12 am (UTC)
*big hugs* You know you can always talk to me. It may sound silly but right now I am so proud of you for being able to share this with your friends here. You have a lot of people who care about and support you. *hugs*
May. 11th, 2008 09:40 pm (UTC)
i think he does love you, hon. and we certainly do, too.


May. 13th, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
I don't know you, and I'm not sure what to say, but I was saddened while reading what happened. Do not blame yourself; it doesn't seem like you had a choice. It is tragic to suffer such pain and loss, and to feel the confusion and sadness you are enduring. I hope you find peace despite what has happened. I wish you well.
May. 13th, 2008 05:44 pm (UTC)
I really treasure your words , my dear! You're so lovely and kind and tender!! Thank you, sweetheart!
You wrote that you don't know me, but I know you, baby, you're a gentle soul and you've got a big heart : that's what really counts !

*cuddles you tenderly*
May. 14th, 2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
*hugs tight, tight, tight* ♥
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )