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Jul. 7th, 2009

Well...I don't really know what to say...where to begin .....I want to start by saying "Hello everybody! How are you all? " I haven't posted anything lately, I've just commented and still fitfully...it's been a very hard time ....and I really really missed you all!!

In the last two months I attempted to kill myself three times.
I said it. Eventually.

Disappointment. Shame. Blind fury. Shame. Boundless misery. Still shame.
Cold hospital rooms. Cold sheets. Such a deep coldness inside.
Then doctors, meds, pills, antidepressants, tons of antidepressants. And always, always such a sharp unfillable empty all over me, suffocating...heavy...
I've been watching everything through an opaque glass, everything warped, voices, sounds, sensations , everything so weird and faraway...

Slowly. Slowly a little light lit up. Again. It made its way through a crowd of painful memories... unbearable memories...I know it was just that damned blessed pills....anyway I like.. I want to think it was also my will, my spirit that doesn't want to give up...not yet...not this time...

My burden is always here, with me, glued on my skin, stuck with my brain...all the feares, the shame, the violence I was submitted since when I was a child...I think..I know they won't leave me ever ever alone.... maybe I can learn to live with them...maybe not...maybe they'll end up killing me one day...who knows...

Now I live. Now I'm here. I'm living. I'm still with you all. I can still talk and read and love and dream and hope...

So that's all. I think. Forgive me for bothering you and be patient with me, please.
I love you all.
Anto.

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
splix
Jul. 7th, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC)
I wish I had words that would help, and hugs seem trite just now. Please know you are in my thoughts and I wish the very best for you always.
mooms
Jul. 7th, 2009 10:54 pm (UTC)
You are not bothering us, Anto, sweetheart. We care for you and feel sad that you are in so much pain. I wish there was something I could do, but I can only be here for you. :(
foxrafer
Jul. 7th, 2009 10:54 pm (UTC)
I'm always here for you, please know that. *hugs*
widdershin
Jul. 7th, 2009 11:26 pm (UTC)
My darling girl. Know that you are in my thoughts and heart and understand that the world is a better place with a sweet person like you in it.

*hugs and kisses*
govi20
Jul. 8th, 2009 05:54 am (UTC)
If only I could be with you and hug you really Anto. I am thinking about you and will always be there for you. You're a very special person, remember that. Love, Carol
caras_galadhon
Jul. 8th, 2009 06:49 pm (UTC)
I wish I knew what to say. Just know that we're here for you, ok? ♥ Take care of yourself.
stormatdusk
Jul. 9th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
i'm so very glad you're here, anto. love to you.
slashfairy
Jul. 9th, 2009 07:16 am (UTC)
*holds*
i'll be home later tomorrow. i'll pm you or email you- i feel like we should be in touch.

so glad that little light flared up and lit for you. even the smallest person, and all that, my stargazer. even you- you have meaning for me, love.
bee_ta_baby
Aug. 12th, 2009 08:35 am (UTC)
I am so sorry for being *gasp* a month behind on my reading...
Please know that you are in my thoughts and hopes.
If you need, you are always welcome to contact me...
*hugs*
bluegerl
Feb. 27th, 2011 09:19 am (UTC)
A SO belated message
You WILL go on - and be bigger better person in NOW being able to give love, unstintingly, to all the needy - who like you (hopefully once only now were are dying, bereft, alone, inside! You are not alone - WE, the World of pain nd need, are out here too, with you, just love us, and you will be loved - as I know you must have found out by now. The childhood never goes away, but understanding comes, and with it, acceptnce ! My dear, I've been there, done that,
Some search for dreams so deep and rare,
but their wings of Soul are too small
to undertake the flight, but you can and will
fly there, amongst the joys of peace,
and slide among the Winds of Heaven.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )