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No skin.

I slept  all the day. I'm easier, now. My mind is clear again. At least I hope so!
I want to speak. I have to. I owe you, my sweet friends.
A long time ago my doctor said that I was born without skin.  A child  without skin. A   girl   without skin. A woman without  skin.  Ever.
Absurdly vulnerable.  Pathologically sensitive. Completely exposed to emotional turmoils.
It's been always easy to hurt me and my scars never heal. A  sudden memory and they bleed again and the pain is so sharp!
My childhood didn't help me.
I never forgot. I tried but I can't. What happened  remains indelible, like a mark on my soul.  Over the years I've built an armour to protect myself, I've hidden myself behind a mask and I've told myself : "move on!!  stop it!! don't feel sorry for yourself!!!  don't be pathetic!! You're like all the other people! " 
The truth is that I'll be never ever like the others. 
When I was a child , I tried to find the darkest place in my house and I stayed hidden in there, I shut my eyes and my ears and I waited. It was just like to be a fish.  Peace. Silence. No more fear. No more pain.
But a human being cannot live like a fish. So I've learnt to survive. 
I'm not   proud of myself , but I have to accept to be what I am.
Sometimes, my private ghosts come back to visit me and those moments.......well.... in those moments I lose my way.
I didn't want them in my lj. This is my place. Just mine.  Off limits!!! No room for shame and guilt and pain!!!! 
This is the place where I've met  wonderful, nice friends, so lovely and generous and  helpful!!
I can't find proper words to explain how much you mean to me!! All of you!!!! For once in my all life, I haven't to hide myself, I haven't to lie.
Past and its horrors mustn't go into this precious beautiful world!!!
I don't want to.
But I've not been able to stop them. I'm so so sorry for my weakness!  I'm ashamed! I swear to you that it will never happen again!! Never!!



I love you with all my heart.
Anto.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
foxrafer
Nov. 15th, 2007 09:44 am (UTC)
I've been trying to think of how to say what I want to say but I'm having trouble. I think that you should be proud of yourself for surviving the traumas of your past and it seems only natural to me that from time to time old wounds can raise their heads and leave fresh bite marks. Please don't apologize for needing to release some of these emotions here. This is your place to say or do whatever you like. I understand if you'd rather not share negative things that have happened to you, but if you do that's fine too. And if you find yourself needing to let some of it go, if you need a virtual shoulder to lean on, you'll find a lot of people here to turn to. *big hugs*
anthos65
Nov. 15th, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC)
Sweet, lovely, kind, wonderful friend!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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