Well...I've been far away for so long...I've been lost...
Anyway I'm back now. And I missed you all insanely.
I love you all!!!!

"La vie en rose"

"Three companions" by Henry Scott Tuke.

I missed you. All of you. I miss you.

Well...I don't really know what to say...where to begin .....I want to start by saying "Hello everybody! How are you all? " I haven't posted anything lately, I've just commented and still fitfully...it's been a very hard time ....and I really really missed you all!!

In the last two months I attempted to kill myself three times.
I said it. Eventually.

Disappointment. Shame. Blind fury. Shame. Boundless misery. Still shame.
Cold hospital rooms. Cold sheets. Such a deep coldness inside.
Then doctors, meds, pills, antidepressants, tons of antidepressants. And always, always such a sharp unfillable empty all over me, suffocating...heavy...
I've been watching everything through an opaque glass, everything warped, voices, sounds, sensations , everything so weird and faraway...

Slowly. Slowly a little light lit up. Again. It made its way through a crowd of painful memories... unbearable memories...I know it was just that damned blessed pills....anyway I like.. I want to think it was also my will, my spirit that doesn't want to give up...not yet...not this time...

My burden is always here, with me, glued on my skin, stuck with my brain...all the feares, the shame, the violence I was submitted since when I was a child...I think..I know they won't leave me ever ever alone.... maybe I can learn to live with them...maybe not...maybe they'll end up killing me one day...who knows...

Now I live. Now I'm here. I'm living. I'm still with you all. I can still talk and read and love and dream and hope...

So that's all. I think. Forgive me for bothering you and be patient with me, please.
I love you all.
Anto.